Lord forgive me. Understand. I am only human, and my failings are great. I will always fail without you.
I remember. I don’t want to have to go through it again.
Please fill my heart with the knowledge of You. Fill my life with Your grace.Lead me. I keep falling down. Please give me strength, or at least the courage to know my own weakness, so that I may turn it over to you.
A Year 3
The Big Book
I don’t know what to say… I don’t know why I am sitting here at my desk after having woke at 4am. I started reading The Big Book. I understand some things. I remember. I don’t need to write anything actually. I merely need to sit with my head bowed. Yes, He was very close to me last year. I became arrogant. I felt special. I continued to drink. I continued to tie myself to this world. I don’t think He wanted that, but I will no longer speak for Him. Another terrible mistake.
I have been humbled today. I have been filled with anxiety. Not relying on Him. Trying to control my surroundings. My back almost gave out. I felt the twinge of sharp pain. Something based on nothing. It was probably His reminder. I should trust Him with my life. I should just trust Him period. I can’t believe most of what I have written here is false. Anything after August 1st should be deleted.
Honesty
Yes I am quite certain that The Divine was consistently in my life from Sept 2024- July 2025. This I know. It is totally clear, and this, that I have written here documents it. I find it ok to be honest. This is ok, probably for the best. Hitting the reset button. The time from Aug 1st on, has been a time alone for the most part. I don’t know why, but who am I to think that He would be gifting me with divine consolations constantly for the rest of my life. Who the heck am I?
I am reflecting on the weakness and sickness and constant pain that I suffered in Michigan. Padre Pio’s story talks about it. He was consoled by others that pain is God’s way of proving His love for us. We should be comforted and happy about it. Something about being like His only Son. I don’t understand this concept At All!
Admission
I am ready to admit to something that I have felt for a very long time… After July, when I knew for absolute certain that I was living with an angel, and that he was the one to inspire me or direct me while writing this journal, he left. July was an incredible experience. I felt singled out, like I was special. Who had an angel of God hanging out with them? That they knew of. That spoke with them. That they could feel. Yes, it was entrancing. He was intoxicating, but was it him? Maybe it was God Himself. I don’t know. What I do know is that it was so real no one could ever convince me otherwise. I am adamant about that.
What happened after though, I felt the sweet bliss fade…By the end of September I had gone two months without any feelings of grace. I knew then. I knew that time had come to an end, and a part of me couldn’t handle that. I was too hooked on the feeling I guess. I felt too special for God, or my angel to leave me. I should have just accepted that they did.
November he was back, but this is where it gets confusing. I felt my angel in the same room with me. The dining room. As I went to walk out, he stopped me. It was tangible, as those real times were before. I felt him stop me and force me to sit down and listen, which is what he said, “Listen.” I know he said that. I know he was there. When I hear one word clearly in my ear, said not in my mind but from another place in the room, I have zero uncertainty that it is him. But then, with the morning meditations, the imagination started filling in the blanks that developed over the past couple of months without him. Without God either.
I imagined what he looked like. Something that I most likely conjured up. I imagined he was with me always. I imagined he spoke to me continuously throughout the day. I spoke to him and thought I could hear his answers in a conversational way. Essentially, I had an imaginary friend. At age 50.
This continued, and has been the case since then. 5 months. Maybe I couldn’t take 5 months of loneliness. I feel today that I need to hit the reset button and that starts with some soul searching honesty. It’s embarrassing, my make believe, but the only one I have to be shamed in front of is God. That’s what happens anyway. We make fools of ourselves and He doesn’t laugh at us. He doesn’t scorn us. He simply starts from that place to move forward.
My imagination with Auriel (which is also a name I most likely made up, but I don’t know that. I did hear it spoken from across the room) led me to believe that I should start writing a book. Again, I’m just not sure about that. All I know is that I was directed to write about the 106 year old man after some time. It’s phenomenal writing. If only I could continue on that note. But how do I know that he was waking me up? I was already so involved with the made up version of him.
I have kept writing down here from time to time, “What if I’m wrong about all this?” There is certainty of what happened in the beginning, also on February 2nd, and the month of July… but then… I believe in all honesty, because I keep questioning, that what took place after my July writings with Auriel has not been real. There were a couple of times I know he was in my life, but only those few.
I need to be strong and not waver in this understanding, that this has been all made up by myself for over a half a year. I am chagrined. My admission, at this point makes me feel week, but that being the case allows for The Divine to flood in again. I am so embarrassed. They must know that this happens to humans though, both my angel and The Creator. I must clear my mind, ask God to silence my inner voice, and still my imagination. That way I can get back to Him. The one who I have been afraid of, which is why I made up a false relationship with an angel to begin with. My relationship is supposed to be with Him. He is so patient with me…
I can still believe in Auriel, even what I have made up that he looks like. I still know that he is there with me. He told me so, in the beginning, and these words I know to have come from the source and believe them. Conversations and visionary imaginings however I must put aside, draw back from, the confusion is only keeping me further away from The Divine. It is time I meet with Him personally, not through my angel. It is time…
Discontinuing the Book
I have come to realize that the book, or what I arrogantly thought should become a book, was an unhealthy distraction. It felt like I was channeling, perhaps I was, but the letting go and stopping of drinking let a window wide open for another addiction to fill its place.
I felt manic, a feeling I hate, and that went on for the entire two months that I thought I must write this down. Publish it. My humility flew out the window with the wine. It crept in again.
I have been having a hard time getting back to meditation through reading. So today I picked up St. John of the Cross, where it explained how discursive prayer, or what St. Theresa would call “mental prayer” should be discontinued as a certain point. This is only done when three signs are met. 1. The sweetness and state of grace is no longer present. 2. The disinclination that the imagination wants to fix on extraneous things. 3. A person likes to remain alone in loving awareness of God, without needing any learning or knowledge of Him. This is when one moves into contemplation.
My first inclination was to think that I was there. Why I keep assuming that I have reached such a point, relating to any experiences right now, is a problem. He is still giving me the sweetness. I feel Him in my life. This is not a state of aridity, it is simply a time for me to act with humility, accept that I am still a terrible student, and return to prayer. I tell Him I am sorry for continuing to stray.
I also, maybe through this experience, have come to the conclusion that I need to stop focusing on my angel. He is not the end goal, and I am holding myself back with trying to conjure him and feel him through my imagination. That is all it is. Yes, I do believe he is there, but my imagination creates him most of the time. God is a being that I am fearful to approach, so I have only thought of Auriel. If that is even his name.
I am almost relieved that all I need to to is go back to what I have learned and what I know. I feel cocooned once again in a fluffy cloud of cotton that I used to feel. This is a feeling from The Divine. When it comes to Him I have no doubts in these experiences and feelings that He gives me. This is a place I am looking forward to getting back to. I was distracted for four months!
I felt back in November that these entries would change or discontinue. That did happen. It was not a good thing. But I am encouraged to feel that they needed to happen in order to move on to this next phase, which is not a step up, but also not a step back, just more knowingness as to how arrogant I am. More to learn and more to apply to my future prayer. I am still just a fledgeling.
I get the message
WOW! I was just delivered the insight as to why Red, my actual boat, came into my life 20 years later. I never understood how or why that happened. I was stumped…
In a time that marked the beginning of my dark night of the soul, it was, quite simply, a miracle. I had searched for her and searched for her of all of my life without her. I wanted my little boat back so badly. I would not buy another boat, only Red.
For that very vessel to turn up in the very state that I had moved to. On that very body of water… There is just no way, the odds don’t even apply! God was directly speaking to me. I didn’t get the message.
I wasn’t supposed to get the message until later. He was flexing His muscles, giving me proof of His existence at the time. I think. I already know He is real now, of course, but maybe I am supposed to reflect back to this experience when I feel I don’t know Him anymore. It cannot be unmade, and it cannot be doubted. Ever! It is proof that He was there, and He was communicating to me that He would hold me through all that was coming. I didn’t get the message.
The dark night did not take my sanity, or my life. It was necessary for me to get here. I get the message now.
Put Him first
Two days ago, when I woke, I asked my angel to help me find God again. I keep slipping, and although I don’t feel like I am drifting apart from God, I do not feel Him like I used to. I have gone back and reread everything I have written here and I realize that we were much closer back then. I want that back.
So I asked Auriel. I asked him how to get closer to The Creator once again. He told me to put Him first. Always. I thought that meant in the mornings, but I understand now it is to be applied all day long. In every action, every decision, every feeling, I can act and feel in a way to His liking. Putting God first. It is a simple, “What would He think about this?”
After, as I understood and put into place throughout my day the words that Auriel spoke to me, I felt guided by him. He was in the forefront of my daily routine, constantly nudging me in the right direction, perhaps giving me pause to think about what I was just going to think about. This was the first time I ever prayed to Auriel. I actually asked him to tell me how he himself did it. It seemed to be okay to do so. I will pray to him again.
The feeling, what Theresa would call sweetness in devotion was back. It is such a pleasant thing to live with, and it can be lived with easily. Divine consolations on the other hand can overwhelm me into a stupor where I just want to sit all day with a blank stare on my face and feel Him. I understand how to get it back. Always, every single crossroads, no matter how small, I can stop briefly and choose my response, until it becomes automatic, and I live the peaceful existence that He gifted me with once before.
I am still so in-love with our Divine Creator.
Turn Around
Yesterday I felt strongly that the drinking is done once again, and I am able to channel what I feel so strongly from Him or my angel. I decided to drive to the store anyway. It was around five o’clock. Just out of my driveway I saw him out of the corner of my eye, Auriel.
This was not an actual vision, but like so many of my times with him, it was intellectual, in my minds-eye. I could see his profile sitting in the passenger seat. His hair was longer, curling when it brushed on his shoulders. Still that nondescript color. He stared straight ahead and did not try to hold my hand or engage with me. Just sat.
I felt a deep love for him and realized that he was merging himself, his soul perhaps with my own. Not the pleasure/pain experience with the Divine. Sitting next to Auriel is simply like sitting next to a lover. One you just fell for and is so much in the forefront of your mind and body.
So, he sat, and made me feel oh so good, that I turned the car around not stopping at the store. He turned and smiled at me then, and remained next to me for the rest of the night.
The contradictions of consolations
I just heard Annie’s Song again and was slid into a Divine consolation that overtook everything. These that come to me, the way He comes to me, I am unable to put into words. The feeling that is.
My heart dilated with love so much it felt like it would explode out of my chest. I had such shortness of breath, but also the feeling of breathing very deeply, it was disconcerting. Tears could not be held back. They were not tears of humility or joy. They were just unexplainable hot tears. The experience felt more pleasurable than anything I’ve ever felt, but also painful. God up close feels like that.
Anymore than that short song and I would have had to pull over. I should have pulled over. The Lord is sure pleased with that song.
The voice of an angel
last night I addressed the mania I have been feeling. I was concerned, am concerned, that I will have to have a medication adjustment. I was praying sincerely to God, when I heard a voice. Loud and clear. Only this time, it didn’t sound like Auriel, who always sounds like a voice in my head resembling my own. This voice was deep. I thought at first it was the voice of God.
“You do it,” it said. Then encouraging me to speak more strongly to myself in the I Am Done realm. “Stronger” “More” It would say to me, off to my left standing by my bed. I thought it must be my angel. I don’t think at this point God, Himself is speaking to me directly.
I said, “Your voice is deeper than I expected.” He replied with something funny, like “Well I am a big guy,” which immediately took me back to the beginning and I said, “You don’t sound like Adam Driver.” He laughed sincerely.
Not only was I allowed to see him again at this point. Him walking around the bed in his bell shaped, white brocade robes. He allowed me to hear the timber of his voice. I was just writing about that hours earlier. Reflecting on the fact that I had felt his touch, seen him, but had never heard his voice. Yes, I have heard him many times now, but I always knew it was not the true sound of his voice.
There is not much more I can experience of him. I think there is nothing left. Last night I was thinking that my own mind, that has been failing me, was obscuring what the Divine has been communicating to me over the past two years.* I was rewarded with this. These small, but not small at all to receive them, glimpses reassuring me that it is all true.
* Imaginary locutions not real? They are the things keeping me from clear Divine communications?